Category Archives: EMAILED CLASSICS

Emails we’ve personally received over the years.

Shared Email Classics: “Work”

Hi Friends:

I am working on a follow-up piece to an earlier post, which just happens to involve population figures for certain countries around the globe.
I discovered this old, “Classic” email, which lists the U.S. Population at 237 million, which was the figure at the time I first received this email, years ago. Today, the U.S. Population is listed at 324,119,000 … So, it also stands to reason that the other figures have changed as well … but, the humor of this piece still stands. Hope it brings a smile …

“Work”

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I’m tired because I’m overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes.

 

Advertisements

E-mail Classic: A CHRISTMAS POEM (‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS)

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the town
Not a sign of Baby Jesus was anywhere to be found.
The people were all busy with Christmas time chores
Like decorating, and baking, and shopping in stores.
No one sang “Away in a manger, no crib for a bed”
Instead, they sang of Santa dressed-up in bright red.

Mama watched television, Papa drank from a tap.
As hour upon hour the presents they’d wrap
When … what from the TV did they suddenly hear?
‘Cept an ad … which told of a big sale at Sears.
So away to the mall they all flew like a flash…
Buying things on credit … and others with cash!

And, as they made their way home from their trip to the mall
Did they think about Jesus? Oh, no … not at all.
Their lives were so busy with their Christmas time things
No time to remember Christ Jesus, the King.
There were presents to wrap and cookies to bake.
How could they stop and remember who died for their sake?

To pray to the Savior … they had no time to stop.
Because they needed more time to “Shop ‘til they dropped!”

From the big stores downtown to the stores at the mall
They would dash away, dash away, and visit them all!
And up on the roof, there arose such a clatter
As Grandpa hung icicle lights up-on his brand new step ladder.
He hung lights that would flash.
He hung lights that would twirl.
Yet, he never once prayed to Jesus…
The Light of the World.

Christ’s eyes … how they twinkle!
Christ’s Spirit … how merry!
Christ’s love … how enormous!
All our burdens … He will carry!
So instead of being busy, overworked, and uptight
Let’s put Christ back in Christmas and enjoy some good nights

 

Shared E-Mail Classic: “BRUISED APPLES”

A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales Convention in Chicago. They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night’s dinner. Well, as such things go, one thing led to another. The sales meeting lasted longer than anticipated. Their flights were scheduled to leave out of Chicago’s O’Hare Airport, and they had to race to the airport.

With tickets in hand, they barged through the terminal to catch their flight back home. In their rush, with tickets and brief-cases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of baskets of apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly missed boarding. All but one. He paused, took a deep breath and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned. He told his buddies to go on without him and told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight.

Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the floor.
He was glad he did. The 16 year old girl at the apple stand was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her, no one stopping or to care for her plight.

The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them into the baskets, and helped set the display up once more. As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket. When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, “Here, please take this $20.00 for the damage we did. Are you okay?”
She nodded through her tears.
He continued on with, “I hope we didn’t spoil your day too badly.”

As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, “Mister ….”
He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes.
She continued, “Are you Jesus?”
He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered.

Then, slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul:
“Are you Jesus?”

Do people mistake you for Jesus? That’s our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life, and grace. If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk, and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting Scripture and going to church. It’s actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day.

You are the apple of His eye even though we, too, have been bruised by a fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked you and me up on a hill called Calvary and paid in full for our damaged fruit.

And always remember, that we are the only “Jesus” that some people will ever see.

 

E-Mail Classic: “Perspectives”

First read this from the top down and then read it from the bottom  up! This is really neat!

PERSPECTIVES

Today was the absolute worst day ever.

And don’t try to convince me that

There is something good in every day.

Because, when you take a closer look

This world can be a pretty evil place.

Even if

Some goodness does shine through once in a while

Satisfaction and happiness don’t last.

And it’s not true that

It’s all in the mind and heart.

Because

True happiness can be obtained

Only if one’s surroundings are good.

It’s not true that good exists

I’m sure you can agree that

The Reality

Creates

My Attitude

It’s all beyond my control.

And you will never in a million years hear me say that

Today was a good day.


Now read it from the bottom up.

 

Shared Email Classics: Tons of Puns for Funs

1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was
Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
‘Keep off the Grass.’

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.
In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
‘I’m sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’
The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 

Shared Email Classics: God Bless Mothers Who Drugged Us!

God bless mothers who drugged us!

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ”Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?”

I replied:

I had a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom’s garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad’s fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, the world would be a better place. 

Shared E-Mail Classics: Buzzard, Bat, and Bumblebee

Buzzard, Bat, and Bumblebee

If you put a buzzard in a pen six or eight feet square and entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of his ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of ten or twelve feet. Without space to run, as is his habit, he will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.

The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkable nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.

In many ways, there are lots of people like the buzzard, the bat and the bee. They are struggling about with all their problems and frustrations, not realizing that the answer is right there above them.